I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
