I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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