I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
