My liver just broke up with me...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
