Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
