and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
