Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
