When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
