We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
