HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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