I'm gonna have a badass scar
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
