Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
