I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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