I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.