so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
