I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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