I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
