So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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