I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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