My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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