Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
