3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
