This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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