I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
