I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She made me pour olive oil on her.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
