And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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