It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
