At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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