Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
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Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
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That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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