Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
