3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
