If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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