The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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