your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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