Need sex. Gaining weight.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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