my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
