your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
