It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
