I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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