i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
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It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
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well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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