apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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