lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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