god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
