Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
