my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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