Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
