I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Holy shit dude........stairs
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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