i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
