so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
