I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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