She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
