Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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