you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
