ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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