i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
