i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
