Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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