Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
